


Choices

by legolastariel



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst, Daryl is torn, Emotional Hurt, M/M, Merle and Rick hate each other, Separation Anxiety, little humor too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-02
Updated: 2016-11-03
Packaged: 2018-08-28 15:57:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8452588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/legolastariel/pseuds/legolastariel
Summary: Merle and Rick had never been friends. It had been hate on first sight and a constant struggle for power, attention, position and not least of all Daryl’s affection from day one. And ever since Daryl and Rick had made the transition from friends to lovers, they were definitely bringing matters to a head. Daryl was tired of them constantly being in each other’s hair. Especially, since he was caught in the middle, pulled into both directions constantly. He felt torn and exhausted. And then, on a run together, something happens that forces Daryl to make a terrible decision.





	1. Chapter 1

_**Choices** _

“No fucking way, Daryl, just no fucking way!”

           “Merle!” 

Rolling his eyes, the younger Dixon hurried after his brother, who was stomping towards the door, and stopped him in time, before Merle was able to leave.

           “Will ya stop being such a jackass … _again_?” Daryl asked annoyed and saw Merle’s features darken further.

           “Ain’t being a jackass. Just saying _no fucking way_ , ‘s all.” 

           “That _is_ being a jackass.”

           “In yer world maybe. In mine it translates into ‘I will go on that run and do ma fucking share for this hicksville, with _you_ , but not if yer prick of a boyfriend is coming along’.”

Daryl was glaring daggers Merle’s way and breathed in deep to keep his rage at bay. How much longer were they going to keep this up?   
Merle and Rick had never been friends. It had been hate on first sight and a constant struggle for power, attention, position and not least of all Daryl’s affection from day one. And ever since Daryl and Rick had made the transition from friends to lovers, they were definitely bringing matters to a head. On the quiet, the three of them were called “The three stooges” throughout town by now, and Daryl got tired of Moe and Curly constantly being in each other’s hair. Especially, since he was caught in the middle, pulled into both directions constantly. He felt torn and exhausted.

           “Stop calling him names, God damnit, Merle. If it wasn’t for him, we’d all be dead by now.”

           “Yeah? Way I see it, _he_ ’d long be dead, if it wasn’t for us – you first of all. Ya waisted more than one arrow ta save his sorry ass.”

           “Bolt! ‘s called bolt.”

           “Not ass?” Merle grinned teasingly, having Daryl roll his eyes again. 

           “You _are_ a jackass. But he’s _still_ goin’ on that run with us. And I mean _us_ , Merle William Dixon.”

The older brother sneered.

           “Uh, whole name calling. Now I’m scared.”   
            
           “Ya better, unless ya wanna end up with a _bolt_ in yer _ass_. And now just shut up. Yer giving me a headache.”

           “Oh, I bet Curly is gonna kiss it all better, Darylena.”

The sarcasm was pungent now, the sneer gone. Just the thought of that _prick_ being with his baby brother, ticked Merle off. 

           “Ready to go?”

Fumbling with his gun belt, Rick walked into the room in that moment, unaware of the scowl the older Dixon cast him.

           “Speaking of the devil”, Merle muttered to himself.

Rick stopped dead in his tracks, when he saw his boyfriend accompanied by his brother.

           “Thought we were going alone”, he said gravely. 

           “That makes two of us”, Merle replied, prompting a deep sigh from Daryl.

At least they agreed on one thing, and that was their mutual dislike. 

           “Hey! You two cut it out right now.” Daryl snarled. “Half ‘a the town’s sick, in case ya forgot. Damn, you know how that ended at the prison. We need meds, there’s hardly anyone left able to go on runs and we need ta be able ta cover longer distances. Stores in the area are empty by now and going further is dangerous shit. Do I really have ta explain this to ya stupid gamecocks? I need both ‘a ya out there, so get yer fucking act together already and let’s go.”

That said, he adjusted the crossbow that was slung over his shoulder and pushed the frontdoor open forcefully. Once outside on the porch, Merle held the door open and made a bow to Rick, when the younger man walked past him.

           “Ma pleasure, chief.” 

           “Merle!” 

The older Dixon looked at his brother with a shrug.

           “What? Ain’t calling him names. He _is_ the chief of this Hicksville, right?”

Ignoring him, Rick started walking over to the Honda they chose to use for that run, trying to concentrate on the mission, when he noticed Merle appear by his side and passing him with large strides.   
Rick picked up his own pace and caught up with him, going even faster to take he lead again, which prompted Merle to follow suit. They continued their race to the car, going incessantly faster without actually running, until they collided in front of the driver’s door. 

           “I’m driving”, Rick said determinedly.

           “Like hell ya will”, Merle shot back. 

           “I got the keys”, the younger man answered cockily.

           “Ya _had_ the keys”, Merle grinned, holding them up the next moment, dangling them in front of Rick’s eyes. “Ya sure havin’ a hard time holdin’ on to car keys these days, huh?”

Rick reached into the pocket of his jacket and cursed under his breath. When Merle passed him the second time, he had bumped into him shortly and must have swept the keys.

           “Dealing with a Dixon, ya gotta do better than that, ya boy scout”, Merle commented drily, while pushing Rick out of his way. “I’m driving.”

The next second the bolt of a crossbow hit into the ground next to them and had both men jump. Daryl walked up to them wordlessly, snatched the keys from Merle’s hand and could barely refrain from growling.

           “ _I’m_ driving. Get in!”  

He pulled the bolt from out of the ground and, gritting his teeth, opened the trunk to store the crossbow away. When he closed it again, he found Rick and Merle on the other side of the car, shoving each other away from the passanger side door in turns.

           “I get to sit in front. My call. Like you said – I’m the chief around here.”

           “Daryl’s _ma_ brother. I’ll sit in front with him.”

           “He’s _my_ boyfriend and …”

           “So? I’ve known him since the day he was born.”

           “But I know him _better_! Been in places, you’ve never been.”

           “Rick!”

Daryl cast him a warning glance and Rick had the decency to blush and raise his hands apologetically. This had clearly been inappropriate, but Merle was pushing all his buttons. Always.   
Daryl sighed audibly. Kindergarten, that’s what this was. They couldn’t be serious. People were sick in this town, including Judith and Carl, and they were quarreling over who got to sit in front? On days like this, he couldn’t help thinking that the walkers were their least problem.

           “Rock-paper-scissors”, Daryl suggested, “but hurry up already. This is ridiculous.” 

Deep down inside he had hoped, at leat Rick would be mature enough to give in now and realize that this was in fact entirely childish behavior, but the next moment both opponents just shrugged and started a round of that game in all earnest. 

           “Is it too late to wish for being an only child, Merle?” 

The older Dixon grinned, while he won the second round, so it was a toss-up.  
He was just going to reply, when Rick won the third round and cast him a gloating winner’s smile. He gave Merle a slap on the shoulder and with a “Better luck next time” remark, let himself drop into the passenger seat. 

           “Cheer up, Merle”, Daryl sighed, “ya get ta ride in front on the way back. ‘kay?” 

This _was_ Kindergarten.

Five minutes into the ride, Merle complained:

           “Ain’t got enough room back here. Move yer seat forward, Grimes.”

           “Can’t”, Rick replied stubbornly, “I barely got room here myself.”

           “Yer kidding me, dude? Them short bowlegs fit into the glove compartment.”

           “Merle.”

Once more the older Dixon raised his hands defensively and cast his brother a glance in the rear view mirror.

           “Hey, ya said I can’t call him names, but that’s the fucking truth, man.” 

It was quiet for about two minutes, then Daryl noticed out of the corner of his eye, how Rick craned his neck and cast a scowl over his shoulder, before forcefully leaning back into his seat. A second later he seemed to get a shove from behind and turned around to glare daggers at Merle.

           “Will you stop bumping your knees into my backrest already?”

           “Told ya, I ain’t got no room back here. Ya wanted ta sit in front, now live with it.” 

           “Merle!” 

           “And you stop ‘Merle’ing me here. Since when d’ya take anyone’s side against yer own blood, man?”

           “Always did as soon as _ma own blood_ started acting like a complete jerk. Gimme a break here, both ‘a ya!” 

           “You’re right. Sorry, darling”, Rick replied, instantly looking out of his window, so he wouldn’t have to meet Daryl’s eyes.

Pet name calling was a total no no. Daryl had made that clear the day they had shared their first kiss. A Dixon calling anyone _sugar honey baby love,_ was a thing unheard of and wasn’t appreciated in return, either, unless a certain lover meant to end up sleeping on the couch.   
Rick was totally willing to take that risk and suppressed a grin, when he heard Merle cringe in the backseat. This just now probably hurt him physically. He saw his assumption clearly proven, when he heard the older Dixon mutter “Damn romance novel” behind him.   
Grinning to himself, he dared cast Daryl a glance and was met by a glare. He was walking on thin ice here and totally aware of it, but it was worth it, if it had Merle’s toenails curl.  

They continued their ride in total silence, the tension between them palpable, and Daryl started to seriously doubt that this run would be in any way successful. The three of them together was a _trio infernale,_ but there hadn’t been any alternatives. He would have opted for taking Glenn along instead of Merle, but Glenn had been one of the first to fall ill. Just like Aaron, Tara, Sasha and Abraham, so Merle it was. Now Daryl not only had to take them to a place that still had the meds they needed, but also make sure, that Rick and Merle weren’t going to kill each other before they even got there. 

He was so deep in thought, that he never even noticed Rick move, until that horrible CD his boyfriend liked to torture him with on every run started to sound from the speakers. Even louder than usually. 

           “Rick, for crying out loud, turn that off!” 

           “Ah, come on, Daryl, we always have this on runs. It’s tradition.”

Daryl pulled a face.

           “The tradition is gonna get tossed outta the window any second now.”

           “Yeah, or _you_ , Grimes”, Merle threatened from the backseat. 

Daryl noticed the satisfied smirk on Rick’s face and understood. Obviously this was the next round of trying to bug the hell out of each other, because when Rick ignored the friendly _request_ to turn the music off, Merle leaned in and started to breathe heavily against the back of Rick’s head, having puffs of warm air move the curls in Rick’s neck. 

The younger man turned in his seat, his eyes cold as glacier ice.

           “Cut that out.”

           “Ain’t doin’ nothing. Just breathing.”

           “Then stop that or I’ll make you.” 

           “Yeah? And whadda ya gonna do, choir boy? Sing along to that crap, so I get a seizure?”

He bumped his knees violently into Rick’s backrest once more, giving him a shove that almost sent Rick into the dashboard.  
Daryl’s head whipped around and he glared at his brother.

           “Cut the crap, Merle! I just about had it with both ‘a ya, so …”

           “Daryl!” 

Rick’s alarmed yell had him instantly turn back around and focus on where he was going, as the road made a sudden turn. He yanked at the steering wheel, too sudden, too hard, and the car started to swerve back and forth as Daryl tried to regain control. He hit the breaks forcefully, which resulted in the rear to swing off, so that they were sliding sideward off the road, the passenger side crashing into a tree a second later. Glass shattered, the air bags inflated, but the CD player kept up its defeaning noise. Other than that, it was quiet.  
Inside the car. Outside a well-known multiple snarling and hissing reached the ears of the three men, while they tried to recover from the impact. Merle had hit his head against the window and was bleeding from a gash on his forehead, while the two in front had been lucky and were unharmed. But their sight was still blurry and it took them a moment to catch their breaths after the airbags had hit them full force in the chest. 

           “You alright?” Rick ask.

           “Alive”, Merle answered from the backseat, “no thanks to _you_.”

           “I wasn’t talking to you”, the younger man shot back, while he looked over to his boyfriend with concern. 

The next second his eyes looked past Daryl out the broken driver’s side window and widened in shock. Walkers! Lots of them. It was a herd of about thirty, maybe forty, that had been right around the corner – and they were coming right at them, the noise of the accident as well as the CD player drawing their attention.  
Rick reached for the button to turn the music off, but Daryl caught his hand and held on to it, while he looked him in the eyes for a moment. 

           “Too late”, he said, “they’ve seen us. Leave it on, maybe that’ll draw their attention, while we get the hell outta here.” 

He bent over and placed a quick kiss on Rick’s mouth, drawing an annoyed “Oh, please” from Merle. 

           “Ya wanna make out first, or can we get goin’ anytime soon?” 

Merle pushed the door open, which wasn’t easily done since the frame of the car was awry, and got out. His gun drawn, he waited for the other two to join him, while Rick muttered to himself:

           “I’m gonna kill him. Not today, not tomorrow, but I’m gonna kill him.” 

A walker appeared at the driver’s side, before Daryl even had the chance to open the door, and Rick aimed his gun past his boyfriend quickly and pulled the trigger. The noise rang in Daryl’s ears and had his features distort in pain.   
More walkers were close to that side of the car now and Rick’s was blocked by the tree they had crashed into, which left Merle’s door as the only exit. A shot rang out, then a second one, as Merle tried to keep the walkers away from the car.

           “Take yer time, ya love-birds. Havin’ a party out here.” 

           “Daryl!” Rick prompted his lover to crawl onto the backseat to get out and wasn’t even surprised, when he saw the archer shake his head.

           “You first.”

           “Yer gonna play rock-paper-scissors in there, too, now?” Merle’s yell reached them, while the older Dixon fired at two more approaching walkers. “Get a move on!” 

Daryl looked at Rick pleadingly.

           “Go! I’ll cover ya.”

He pulled a gun out of the glove compartment and fired through his window, taking down two more of the walkers. Their number was increasing despite of the ones the Dixons had already put down, so Rick squeezed onto the backseat, climbed out of the door and straight onto the roof of the car, to help the brothers keep the herd at bay. He fired at anything that moved in the near range of the driver’s side, while he urged his boyfriend to get out.

           “Daryl! Come on! Hurry!” 

The archer pushed the door open and ran around the back of the car the next moment, hesitating there for a second. His crossbow was still in the trunk.  
A violent grasp to his wrist derailed his train of thought a second later.

           “Leave it!” Merle demanded, before pulling him away from the car and into the woods, with Rick following on their heels. 

 

They didn’t go far. After only a hundred yards the wood opened to the sheer rock walls of the old quarry and had them stop dead in their tracks in the last moment.   
They turned around to check for any possible pursuers, but so far the walkers were still fascinated by Rick’s choice of music and hadn’t followed them into the woods.  
But their way back was blocked, as was their way forward, so the only chance was heading alongside the rim and hoping for a way to escape. 

           “Some run, chief”, Merle commented drily, while checking how much ammo he still had on him.

Rick cast him a scowl. Again.

           “What’s that supposed to mean? If you hadn’t been such a jerk, we wouldn’t have had the accident.”

           “If we hadn’t had the accident, we woulda run straight into that herd. ‘Twas yer choice of route.”

           “How was I supposed to know there’s a herd of walkers in this area? They aren’t marked on any maps, dumb-ass.”

Merle pointed at him, while he looked over to Daryl.

           “Yer loverboy’s doing the name calling now.”

           “I’m not calling you names”, Rick cut in, “that’s the fucking truth, too.”

           “Oh, it is?” Merle gave Rick a shove. “That’s what a dumb-ass does, ya know.”

The first shove was followed by a second. Before he could add a third, Rick returned the gesture, not willing to take any more for Merle’s shit.”  
Daryl pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger and closed his   
eyes. He was tired. Not only of the constant quarrels between those two, but literally.   
He had sat at Judith’s bed half of the night coaxing her to drink water to still her coughing, and cooling her feverish face with a wet cloth, while it had been Rick’s turn to sleep. After Judith had finally fallen asleep, Carl had started to throw up, so instead of resting a while, too, Daryl had been with the boy for the rest of the night. They needed those meds. Soon. What nobody need at any time was _this._  
Rick and Merle were giving him a headache. They completely lost the essential things out of sight and were wrapped up in their juvenile fights like school boys. It had to stop. Now. 

Daryl reopened his eyes and was just about to give his brother and his boyfriend a piece of his mind, when they suddenly disppeared from his sight.   
The archer gasped, confusion on his face, while he stood frozen to his spot trying to comprehend what had happened. For a second the silence was deafening, save for Rick’s gruesome music in the distance, then simultaneously Merle’s and Rick’s voices started screaming his name, panic clearly coloring their inflection.   
           Coming out of his stupor, Daryl rushed to the spot where they had stood only seconds ago and stared down in utter shock. How could they not have noticed how close to the edge they’d been standing? Did a part of the edge break off or did that shoving of each other get out of hand? And where were they? Daryl got dizzy looking down, the ground of the quarry sinkeningly far away. _No!_


	2. Chapter 2

          “Daryl!”

The archer flung himself flat on his stomach and looked over the rim. Two pairs of fearfully widened eyes stared at him, while the two men tried to hold on to scrub, the roots of the nearby trees that stuck out of the wall and any crevice they could squeeze their fingers into. 

           “Daryl!”

Their inflection had shifted from mere panic to desperation – they were scared to death. He held out his arms to them and wiggled his fingers.

           “Hold on!  C’mon, grab ma hands!”

And they did. Instantly either one reached out and held on for dear life, while Daryl closed his fingers around their wrists and tried to pull them up.   
He gasped audibly the next second and his face distorted as a sharp pain ripped through his shoulders and back. He clenched his teeth. They were too heavy. Rick was probably lighter than he was, but Merle was taller and muscular and together they outweighed him by far. Although the adrenalin that was pumping through his veins gave him extra strength, he realized with a shock that he wasn’t able to pull them up.

           “I can’t …” he gasped. “Yer … too … heavy.”

           “Don’t let go, Daryl. Please.”

Rick’s plea sounded choked with fright, while he held on to his boyfriend’s hand with all his might, tears blurring his azure blue eyes. 

           “C’mon, baby brother. You can do it.”

Merle’s voice sounded calm. Dixons don’t show their fear, their pain, their tears … A rule they had both tried to go by all of their life – and failed often enough, especially recently. And although Merle was trying to hide it, Daryl could see the fear of death screaming in his brother’s eyes. 

He looked helplessly from one to the other – back and forth, again and again, while tears started to pool in his eyes despite of the Dixon rule. The pain in his shoulders and back increased by the second and the realization hit him mercilessly – there was no way he would be able to save them both.   
If he held on to both of them, they would both fall evenually when his strength, or theirs, was spent. In order to save at least one, he had to let the other one go. 

The first tear fell and ran down his cheek. He increased the grasp of his hands, panting heavily as the strain and his anxiety alike were choking him.    
How was he to make a decision like that? How could he choose between his brother and the love of his life?   
He locked eyes with Merle and swallowed thickly. 

They said in the face of death a man would see his entire life reflect before his eyes. He just never thought this would work, if someone close was about to die.   
While he looked into his brother’s eyes, he saw his own childhood – the loneliness, the hunger, the humiliation and abuse. But Merle had been there – not all the time, but often enough. He had taught him how to survive, had given him some kind of support and affection, as far as Merle Dixon was able to. It hadn’t been enough, not nearly enough to bring some happiness into Daryl’s bleak and dark childhood, but he had never really blamed his brother for it. Merle couldn’t pass on, what he never experienced. He had been all alone when he grew up, with no brother by his side to teach him things or take some of the beatings meant for him. He never knew what love felt like.   
Daryl did. Merle had been his world when he grew up. The only person, who extended some kindness and protection, cared if he was there at all. How could he _not_ love him? 

_ I can’t lose ya. _

His left hand, to which his brother clung with all the strength he still possessed, tightened its grip, unwilling to let the person it held onto drop.

Daryl’s head whipped around and instantly his heart beat faster. The cerulean orbs he loved so much were swimming with unshed tears and that sight alone made Daryl’s throat tighten up. Rick. His Rick.   
If there had ever been a living soul in this world he had loved with all his heart, it was this man. If it wasn’t unlikely to grow old in this world at all, he would have wanted to grow old with Rick. And if they only had one more day alive together, he wanted to spend it with Rick by his side.  
Never before had there been someone in his life, who seemed to complement him in every respect, who made him feel _complete._ He was certain to have found the other half of his soul and there was no one else in this world, who matched him as perfectly as Rick Grimes did.   
How was he to go on, if he could never hear his voice again, see his face, feel his touch? 

           _I can’t lose ya, either._

 

The veins in his neck and his forehead started to show clearly as he added all the strength he could muster to the fierce grasp of his hands, which started to shake as the muscles in his fingers cramped up. For a moment he thought his arms were close to being torn out of their joints, but he didn’t let go. 

           “Help me!”

It was a desperate plea – to God and to the two most important men in his life alike, and yet he feared that neither was able to do anything to avoid the inevitable.   
There was nothing down there to support Merle’s and Rick’s feet, nothing they could have used to push themselves off of or diminish their pull on Daryl’s arms with. Every attempt to pull themselves up, may have hauled the archer over the edge as well and neither of them was willing to take that risk.   
Their situation was hopeless and slowly but surely all three of them acknowledged that fact. 

Once more Daryl’s eyes darted from one to the other, while tears pooled in his shadow blue eyes.   
How could he make a decision like that? He recalled a line from a movie that ran   
_ “ _ _ As long as you don’t choose, everything remains possible”. _  
It sounded wise, but it just wasn’t true. Not to choose was impossible, for the decision not to choose was a choice as well, and every choice one didn’t make themselves, was made by Fate. If he didn’t decide, if he held on to both of these men till his strength left him, they would both die.   
There was no way out. He was going to lose at least one of them today – his brother or the love of his life. Or both. By nightfall his heart would be broken and his life would never be the same again.   
_ If you don’t choose, you may run out of choices. _  
This is how that line should have run. To not have a choice, no way out, was the worst feeling he had ever experienced.

It was in that moment that Rick turned his head and looked quietly over to Merle. Two sets of blue eyes locked and for the first time, since they met years ago back in Atlanta, they agreed on something, came to a silent understanding with that one calm look. No word was spoken. They had both come to a conclusion – the only possible way out of Daryl’s dilemma. The only way to spare the man they both loved from having to make a decision no man should ever be forced to make.  
Simultaneously they let go – and fell. 

            “NO!”

Surprisingly it hadn’t been Daryl’s scream that resounded from the walls of the quarry, but Rick’s and Merle’s. While the man left behind all by himself on the high ledge just stared after them in breathless shock, the other two noticed their fatal mistake, noticed that they had both come to the same conclusion in the exact same moment:

           _He loves him and cannot lose him._

They had both been willing to make the ultimate sacrifice – giving their own life for Daryl’s happiness. And now the younger Dixon would be left alone.

           “Nooooooooo!”

Daryl’s long and desperate scream followed them down into the seemingly endless abyss. They grew smaller and smaller until they almost faded from the blue eyes’ sight, but the scream never abated. The pain in his arms and back before was nothing compared to the agonizing ache in the archer’s chest, while he had to watch the two people he loved most in this world plunge to their death.

           “Daryl!”

Rick’s voice from the distance. 

           “Rick!!”

His throat was aching from the strained use of his voice, as well as from the tears that choked him. He thought he heard a sickening thud from down below and started screaming again.

           “Daryl!”

He thought, he heard Rick call his name again, but that wasn’t possible. His mind was playing tricks on him. He would never hear Rick’s voice again.  
            
Daryl closed his eyes and pulled in a couple of shuddering breaths, trying to calm his frantically beating heart.   
He still heard the music from the CD sound in the distance and the lump in his throat almost choked him. _Tradition._ Did he have nearly enough time with Rick by his side, to call anything a tradition yet? He had to get this CD, however gruesome it was. It was part of Rick’s legacy, one of the few things he had left of him at all now. The crossbow … The walkers were probably still behind him and he was far away from home, with no means of transportation, only few bullets left and he was all alone now. All alone. Alone.   
Rick was dead. Merle was dead. A choked scream broke free and he balled his hands to fists, while he slowly climbed to his feet. He stood close to the edge, swaying and looking down with a painful stinging sensation in his eyes once more.   
            _Dixons don’t cry._  
Says who? He was the last Dixon, so he could do whatever the hell he wanted. Jump. That’s what he wanted to do. All it took was one step and he’d be with them again. Probably just in time to break up a fight about who got to the bottom first.  
This streak of black humor wasn’t able to make him smile. He didn’t see how he could ever be able to smile again. One step. Just one step.

           “Daryl!”

            _Rick? How …?_

            “Daryl! Come on, wake up already!”

 

In the next second Daryl started up and sat in the darkness of the bedroom panting heavily, while tears and sweat alike covered his deadly pale face. His heart was aching so badly, that it felt like it had been shattered into a million pieces, while at the same time it was pumping frantically.   
The next second he squinted against the sudden light as Rick turned the bedside lamp on to take a look at him.

Azure blue eyes widened in shock.

           “Jeez, Daryl, what …?”

He never got to finish the sentence.   
Turning around to him, flinging his arms around him and having them fall over backwards together while kissing Rick ardently, was one flowing motion. The fierceness of Daryl’s embrace and kisses had Rick gasp and frown at the same  
time – this was not passion or a rare occasion of high jinks. This was something close to desperation. Daryl was clearly at the mercy of a myriad of emotions he couldn’t handle.

           “Daryl!” Rick gasped, trying to push his boyfriend off of him with a hand against his chest.

 

The archer pulled back and looked into his boyfriend’s face as though to make sure he was truly there. He ran his fingers through Rick’s curls and over his face time and again until his hands were caught in a gentle but firm grip. Rick had a faint idea what that dream had been about.

           “I’m here. And I’m not going anywhere.”

Daryl’s fingers had gotten entangled in his curls and Rick stopped his attempt to shove Daryl away, when the motion had the older man unintentionally pull at his hair. He kept his hand rested gently against the archer’s chest, feeling the frantically beating heart beneath his palm, and waited. Waited for the horror of the nightmare to wear off and for his boyfriend to calm down.

For a moment both of them were frozen in their spot, two sets of blue eyes locked firmly, while Rick had his hand rub small, soothing circles over Daryl’s heated skin.  
Then unexpectedly, Daryl bent down once more, placed another firm kiss to Rick’s lips, before jumping off the bed and running out of the room.

           “Daryl … ” Rick tried to stop him. But only seconds later he heard the archer run downstairs and ended the sentence with a shrug, muttering to himself: “…you are butt naked.” 

Why bother? At 3 a.m. it was unlikely for Daryl to run into anyone around the house.   
An assumption that was proven clearly _wrong_ , when a second later Rosita’s shriek sounded from the kitchen, followed by her appreciative whistle. 

Daryl couldn’t have cared less. He didn’t even take notice of her having a little snack in the kitchen, while he hurried to the small room in back of the house Merle had occupied ever since they arrived in Alexandria.   
He burst into his brother’s room, startling the older Dixon from his sleep. The next second the bedside lamp lit up and Daryl found himself looking down the barrel of Merle’s gun. After a moment of shock and surprise alike, Merle lowered the gun and pulled a face, looking his brother up and down.

           “Holy fuck, man, yer nuts? _This_ sure as hell ain’t what I wanna see when opening ma eyes.”

           “I wouldn’t mind”, Rosita called from the kitchen, which brought a grin to Merle’s face.

           “Why don’t ya come in here, sweetheart? Ya ain’t seen nothing yet.”

She gave a cocky reply, before her steps disappeared back to one of the bedrooms upstairs, but Daryl’s snort had pulled Merle’s attention to his younger brother again. 

           “Looks like yer alright”, Daryl just commented drily and was about to turn and leave, when Merle stopped him.

           “Hold it right there. Why d’ya march into ma room like that in the middle of the fucking night, startling the shit outta me, man?”

Daryl hesitated, his intention to explain himself obvious, but then he just waved it off.  
            
“ ‘s nothing.”

Merle’s features darkened.

           “Cut the crap, Daryl. Known ya since the day ya was born and if ya burst in here in yer birthday suit, it ain’t nothing. So, spit it out already.”

Daryl shrugged.

           “Just had a bad dream, ‘s all. Go back to sleep … or whatever ya was doing.”

           “Bad dream, huh? Thought we was past that – ya crawling into yer ol’ brother Merle’s bed like a little pussy. Had ya stop doing that like 40 years ago, didn’t I?”

Daryl audibly sucked in the air and something flared up in his eyes.

           “Yeah, ya did. No matter how bad it was, ya kicked me out, told me ta go sleep in ma own bed, ‘cause I hadda learn ta let nothing scare me and fight the closet monsters by maself.”

           “Worked, didn’t it?”

           “No, it didn’t. ‘Cause the fear stays, Merle, same as the monsters. Ya just learn ta live with ‘em, while ya feel deserted and think, no one gives a damn.”

           “I meant well. Had no one ta hold ma hand when I ‘s yer age, so I figured, spoiling ya rotten wasn’t what had ya survive that shithole of a home – and _him._ ” 

Daryl averted his eyes and took great interest in his toes all of a sudden. 

           “I know. Ya taught me lots ‘a things – huntin’, tracking, fighting, and I’m grateful for that. But …” He looked back up. “That’s not what it’s all about, Merle. Ya taught me how ta survive, but that was just _existing_. Rick taught me how ta _live_. Gave me a reason to.”

           “Fuck, man, tell me ya didn’t wake me ta yak at me about Officer Bowlegs.”  

_ Not again. _

Daryl gave a tired sigh and was just about to reply, when a movement behind his back caught both Dixons’ attention. Rick appeared by Daryl’s side and looked quizzically from one brother to the other.

           “Whadda ya know”, Merle commented drily, “right on cue. Ya boys out for a threesome, yer in the wrong room though.” 

Ever muscle in Daryl’s body tensed and, totally ignoring Merle, Rick placed one arm gently around his boyfriend’s shoulders and pulled him close. A gesture that prompted Merle to grimace one again. 

           “If yer in the mood, Officer, try ta keep yer hands to yerself till ya boys are upstairs again.”

With angrily blazing eyes, Rick took a step towards the bed, but Daryl reacted instantly and held him back, frustration boiling up inside of him.

           “Shut the fuck up, Merle!” He had yelled at him, unable to keep his chaotic emotions at bay any longer. After a deep breath he repeated softer: “Just shut the fuck up. Yer driving me nuts. Both of you.” 

With a surprised air on their face, both Rick and Merle stared at the agitated archer, trying to figure out just what was going on here at all, what upset Daryl to such an extent.   
Rick had a hunch, thought he knew what this was all about.

           “Is this about your dream?” he probed cautiously.

Daryl nodded, but in the same moment said:

           “I don’t wanna talk about it. Can’t.”

           “I already know”, Rick replied softly. 

The older man cast him a surprised look from the side with a haunted look in his shadow blue eyes. Before he could speak, Rick added:

           “It was one of those dreams again, right?”

           “ _One of those dreams_ , huh?” Merle’s voice sounded from the bed. “Now I’m curious, boys. What dreams are we talking about here, li’l brother?”

The ambiguity that colored his inflection had Rick’s bloodpressure rise with anger and he cast Merle a killer scowl, before he stepped in between the two brothers. With his back to Merle, he gently placed his hands on Daryl’s shoulders and had his boyfriend look him in the eyes.

           “We all lost people, Daryl. And we all got more people to lose, so we all dream those dreams.” He cast an annoyed look over his shoulder. “ _Almost_ all of us”, he commented drily before turning to Daryl again. “I _know_ what it feels like.”

He felt a shudder run through the other man’s body, saw the haunted look on Daryl’s pale face increase and understood the dimensioni of his distress in right that second.   
Rick’s eyes widened in shock.

           “Both of us?”

Daryl nodded, while swallowing thickly against the lump in his throat.

           “I couldn’t make that decision”, he croaked out.

          “Decision?”

Daryl’s voice was thick with emotions when he replied:

           “Ya was gonna die – both ‘a ya. And I could only save one ‘a ya. Only one. I hadda make a decision, but … “

He raised his hands helplessly and Rick pulled him into a tight embrace, running his hands soothingly over his back, until Merle’s snort broke them apart again.  
            
           “Yer gonna make me puke, both ‘a ya. What kinda pussy did I raise there? Pull yerself together, man. Yer a fucking Dixon. ‘Twas just a dream.”

Rick whirled around on his heels and yelled:

           “Did you hear what he just said? Are you deaf or just plain stupid?”

Merle jumped to his feet. 

           “Now look, who’s talking. I …”

           “Shut it, both of ya!” Daryl grabbed Rick’s wrist and pulled him away from his brother, before stepping in between of them to keep them apart.   
           “ _That_ is exactly what this is all about”, he shouted insenced. “‘Twasn’t just a dream, Merle. I gotta make that decision every single day. You make me! Both of ya. With yer constant fighting over every shit, with me in the middle. Yer tearing me apart and I’m so fucking tired of this. Tired of having to choose. Isn’t the war out there enough?” He breathed deep to calm down and then added in a defeated inflection: “Can’t do this anymore. Don’t want to.”

That said he turned around and headed to the door. 


	3. Chapter 3

          “Daryl!”

The archer stopped dead in his tracks and cast a glance over his shoulder. They had both called out to him, perfectly in sync. Daryl saw his brother pull a face and open his mouth to comment on this, no doubt, but when he noticed the younger man’s look, he closed it again, raising his hands in a “Alright already” gesture.

           “Surprise me, Merle, and say something nice to him for a change”, Daryl challenged him, prompting another grimance on his brother’s face.

           “ _Nice?_ Nice doesn’t translate into Dixon, man.” 

Wordlessly Daryl turned around to leave and the look in his eyes had spoken volumes. This wasn’t just about a dream. This wasn’t just about a few minor _disagreements_ between Rick and Merle. They had gone too far for too long, and if they didn’t row back instantly and found a way to get along, they would have more in common than their mutual dislike – they would both lose Daryl. 

           _Can’t do this anymore. Don’t want to._

Merle knew his brother, maybe better than anyone else … maybe … and he knew what that meant. Daryl would leave, if they kept this up. They were destroying him, hurting him on a daily base. Maybe it was time he and Rick acted on the other thing they had in common – their love for Daryl. 

The older Dixon looked over to his brother’s boyfriend and tried not to pull a face.   
            
           “ _Nice_ ”, he muttered to himself. “Hey, _Rick_ ”, he addressed him and thought actually calling him by his name sure was _nice_ enough, “ ‘s _nice_ of ya ta not have me go fucking blind and putting some pants on before ya stomped in here.”

Rick knitted his brow and then cast Daryl a quick glance, while the archer turned around in slow motion to look at his brother.

           “Merle”; he tried to muster an immense amount of patience, Dixons weren’t even born with, “I told ya to say _something_ nice, not just some sentence that includes the word _nice.”_

           “Hey, c’mon, man, ain't no fucking grammar expert. I’m trying”, Merle replied defensively, before adding gravely the next second: “I really am, li’l brother. I will. Promise ya.” 

           “Promises … “

           “Always kept ma promises, didn’t I?”

           “What promises, Merle?”

The older Dixon shrugged.

           “The few I made at all. Ones I could keep. Like me always caring for ya, always being on yer side, always being yer brother. Kept those, haven’t I? Never made any cheap ones, like how things were gonna be alright, how we was gonna be rich, famous and happy one day.” He cast Rick a quick glance, then added: “But the being happy part may actually work out for ya, kid, so I promise to do ma best to keep it that way.” 

A smile tugged at the corners of Daryl’s mouth.

           “Good enough for me.” 

           “Me too”, Rick cut in.  “I’m in.”  He turned to his boyfriend, leaned in and kissed him gently on the lips, surprised to actually not hear any remark on it from the other Dixon. “Go ahead, Daryl, I’ll be right there.”

With a curt nod, Daryl headed to the stairs and disappeared into the darkness of the second floor, while Rick turned back around to Merle.  
            
           “We’re not gonna be friends”, he said matter-of-factly, “but I really want us to get along. We gotta find a way.”

           “Huh, no objections here, especially on the first part.”

           “Thought so. I don’t know, if this means anything, but I really love him. Like it or not.”

Merle gave him a scrutiny, before he said:

           “Gotta learn to live with the thought, that ma li’l brother is having the hots for a cop, ‘s all.”

Rick cocked his head.

           “That was another time, Merle. Another world. Things like that don’t matter anymore. I used to be a cop, yes, but I’m not anymore. Up to you, if you still wanna be a jackass or become part of the group.”

The comeback was on the tip of Merle’s tongue, but he swallowed it. 

           “’s like I said – gonna try.”

           “It’s like I said, too. –  Good enough for me.”

With a nod Rick turned on his heels to head back to his and Daryl’s bedroom, when Merle’s voice stopped him once more.

           “Yer good for him, ya know.” 

The younger man looked over his shoulder and cast Daryl’s brother a surprised look.

           “I could never be the brother he needed”, Merle continued. “Thought he was too soft for the world we grew up in, so I tried to toughen him up, change him. You loved him the way he was … is, and just someone believing in him, made him tougher than all the times I shoved his head down the toilet.” A smirk played around his lip. “Best keep this up, Grimes, or it’s gonna be _yer_ head down the toilet. Mark my words.”

Rick suppressed a smirk of his own and nodded once more, before wordlessly closing the door behind him and heading back upstairs. He couldn’t help shaking his head to himself and grinning for a moment nevertheless. Merle was annoying the hell out of him, but he sure was something else. And he wasn’t a bad guy. He loved Daryl. They both did. And this should be reason enough for both of them to _really_ try from now on.

When he entered the bedroom, the grin had faded to a soft smile that he instantly cast in Daryl’s direction. The archer was lying snuggled up under the covers, facing Rick’s side of the bed, waiting for him. He craned his neck when his boyfriend came back in,  but the smile was not returned.   
Rick crawled under the covers himself and turned on his side to look at Daryl.

           “You’re alright?” 

Instead of a reply, the older man asked:

           “What did you say to Merle?” 

           “You mean, you haven’t been eavesdropping?” Rick teased. 

Again his smile went unanswered. Gently Rick placed his hand on Daryl’s open palm, that lay next to the archer’s face, and interlaced their fingers.

           “That was between Merle and me. Just trust me … us. We’re gonna work it out. It’s gonna be okay.” 

For a moment Daryl just held Rick’s gaze silently, unmoving, without so much as blinking. Then he released the breath he didn’t even know he’d been holding and placed a tender kiss on Rick’s fingers, that were still holding on to his.   
Simultaneously they each reached out the other arm and placed it across the other’s waist, drawing close. 

           “You have no idea, how much this means”, Rick said unexpectedly, having Daryl furrow his brow.

           “What?”

           “After Woodbury”, Rick went far afield, "when you left with Merle, you said it has always been him and you. You felt, you had to make a decision back then, too, and you chose him.” He pressed his forehead to Daryl’s and breathed in deep.

           “I came back”, Daryl said softly.

           “Yes, you did. But you brought him along. I thought, if you had to, you would always choose him. No matter what. And I’d even understand it – he’s your brother.”

           “So are you. And more. There is family, Rick, and then there is _family._ I love Merle – he was the only one I had, before the apocalypse. But … you and I, that’s different.”

“I sure hope so”, Rick teased and earned himself a pinch the next moment.

           “Want you to promise me something, Rick”, Daryl added gravely.

           “More promises?”

           “The most important one. Promise me.”

           “Promise you what?” Rick said with a suspicious frown.

           “Just promise”, Daryl urged and this urgency had Rick hesitatingly nod a moment later.   
“If you’re ever in a situation like that …”

He felt Rick tense and suck in the air audibly, so he tightened his embrace and pulled the younger man even closer, continuing without missing a beat.   
           “If it’s ever between me and Carl or Judith, I want ya to choose them without thinking twice, ya hear me?” 

The mere imagination had Rick understand the full dimension of what Daryl must have been going through in his dream, how he must have felt being faced with that kind of choice, and tears started to pool in his eyes instantly. 

           “For me, Rick. I couldn’t live knowing one of them died in my stead and I want ya to know, that this is how I’d want it. So you’ll never have to make a decision like that. Understood?”

A tear ran down Rick’s cheek and he pulled Daryl even closer.

           “You promised”, Daryl whispered to him and the younger man nodded hesitatingly. 

           “I’m gonna make sure you and the kids will never be in the same place again”, Rick whispered back after a moment. “Problem solved.” 

This brough a smile to Daryl’s face and earned Rick another pinch. 

           “Why didn’t I think of that? Just gotta make sure you and Merle are never in one place again, either.”

Rick pulled back a little and cast his lover a grin.

           “Knew I was right to look to you for the really _good_ ideas”, he teased. “Should we send him over to the Hilltop or the Kingdom with kind regards from …”

           “Rick!” 

The inflection and the raised eyebrow were a clear warning, which was entirely forgotten the next moment, when Rick pressed his lips firmly to Daryl’s, parting them instantly. The tip of Daryl’s tongue flicked out and traced Rick’s lips, asking for entry that was granted only too freely. Their tongues met and an electrical charge seemed to flow through their bodies and made them feel warm and tingly all over.  
The two tongues enganged in a dance, a sensual touching and withdrawing, reaching forward again, gently pushing and circling around each other.  
Rick moaned in the back of his throat. He loved this combination of passion and playful gentleness.   
Daryl was an ardent and energetic lover, but his passion was never demanding, it was always expressed in combination with an incredible tenderness and consideration. Just like his tongue now didn’t battle for territory, didn’t push Rick’s back as though his mouth was a fortress it meant to defend – Daryl’s tongue teased, withdrew as though it was extending an invitation to the other one to follow, only to push forward again, gently, to prolong the play.   
Daryl was a serious and quiet man and didn’t laugh or smile often, but during these intimate moments with Rick, he was able to let go, to lighten up and just be totally relaxed for a while. And if a tongue alone had been able to laugh, his would have now.   
While their tongues continued their play, warm, longing hands started running over each other’s body, the intensity of their touch increasing constantly, as was their pulse rate. Rick pulled the muscular frame of his boyfriend as close as he could and in an inpulse wrapped one leg over Daryl’s in a somewhat protective gesture, not to trap him.   
Daryl had his hands run down Rick’s back until they rested on the younger man’s butt and pressed close, the sensation of his hard cock rubbing against the bulge in Rick’s pants drawing a deep throaty moan.

           “Merle’s an idiot”, Daryl croaked out, “take ‘em damn pants off already.”   
            
Before Rick even had a chance to comply, Daryl deepened the kiss once more. After a moment the need to breathe broke them apart, and they looked deep into each other’s eyes, their faces only inches apart and the other one’s breath like a caress.

           “I love you”, Rick gasped.

           “I know”, Daryl replied, which had Rick smile. He knew this was Dixon for “I love you, too.”

           “Rick”, the archer said gravely a moment later, locking eyes firmly with his lover, “I’m gonna ask ya something now and I need ya to make a decision there, that’s not gonna be easy, either. Ya up to it?”

Rick’s pulse rate picked up even more and his eyes widened. Gosh, now what?

           “I think so.”

           “Good, but I need ya to decide this quickly now – bottom or top?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and I'd love to hear what you thought.


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